I would like to apologize to those of you, who have known me of old and are shocked and disappointed to find that I'm not really the person in this photograph. I'd like to - but I won't, petals! Because that would just be patronising, wouldn't it? After all, surely everyone knew that it wasn't really me? As if someone as famous, glamorous and well travelled would have to stoop so low as to stick her whole arm up Ronnie Corbett's U-bend! No, I can't deny the obvious fact that I have been dishonestly using a photo of Judith Chalmers on my profile for six months.
After 10 years away from the spotlight, the World famous Manilow Sisters are back!
Monday 13 December 2010
I am, what I am, petals!
I would like to apologize to those of you, who have known me of old and are shocked and disappointed to find that I'm not really the person in this photograph. I'd like to - but I won't, petals! Because that would just be patronising, wouldn't it? After all, surely everyone knew that it wasn't really me? As if someone as famous, glamorous and well travelled would have to stoop so low as to stick her whole arm up Ronnie Corbett's U-bend! No, I can't deny the obvious fact that I have been dishonestly using a photo of Judith Chalmers on my profile for six months.
Friday 29 October 2010
My New Book Makes Mrs Fry's Diary Seem Like Something by Janice Austen!
I Know What You Did Last Week, Victoria Beckham!
Friday 22 October 2010
Three Cheers for Tweeting Times!
Monday 11 October 2010
Ivy's Tip O' The Morning!
Sunday 10 October 2010
Good Lord! Mrs Fry's Diary is FILTHY - just as well I read it in Delia Smith's bath - but don't tell her petals!
Don't forget to post a photo of yourself reading Mrs Fry's Diary petals! Add the #MrsFrysDiary hashtag to get into her album . . . as it were!
Friday 17 September 2010
Hello Petals! Did I ever tell you about my years as a forensic cleaner for the Metropolitan Police?
It was tough work, but very satisfying. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve scoured crime scenes for clues. Of course it’s very important to wear rubber gloves when you do a job like that. If you didn’t your hands would get in a terrible state fingering all the clumps of hair, blood, lipstick, vomit, used condoms and half-eaten kebabs. Filthy work - but all good experience for a celebrity cleaner, petals!
People don’t realise that it can take hours to scrub a crime scene. All those fingerprints! And the police didn’t help much. If I didn’t get in there first they’d cover them with white powder, which made the job take twice as long! They enjoyed winding me up, the little terrors, but I think they knew I was up for a laugh. Many’s the time I’d be mopping up blood or polishing the blade of a carving knife in the incident room and overhear them telling the Chief Inspector “We've got to wind things up. That Ivy Manilow's a complete joke”.
Oh the stories I could tell you, I’ll never forget the Shergar investigation in the ‘80s. It took me three days to get rid of those hoof prints in the Aintree Travelodge. Then there was that folder marked ‘CONFIDENTIAL: Evidence of Jack the Ripper's Identity 1891’ file I found behind the toilet cistern in the ladies. I ended up with five bin bags full after I’d shredded it all!
The worst part of the job had to be the graffiti. It could take weeks to remove, even with our bottles of Joan Collins’ facial peel acid and my high powered nozzle. 1974 was a terrible year for graffiti. No sooner had I managed to scrub one ‘Lord Lucan Woz Ere’ off a wall on the underground, another one would turn up on a bus shelter, or the toilets at Kings Cross Station, or the Playboy Club, oh and the check-in desk at Heathrow Airport. Strangely enough we didn’t find any more after that.
Sadly no crimes were actually solved while I was with the Metropolitan Police, Forensic Cleaning Department. Well they were a lazy shower to be honest. But I still hold the Guinness World Record for cleaning up the most crimes in the entire history of modern policing. My career ended when they brought a new broom into the department and had a clean sweep. But to this day, I still use the skills I gained at the frontline to continue my fight against grime in the seedy world of celebrities, political and sporting icons - and John McCririck.
Now I'm bringing my razor sharp celebrity filth detection skills exclusively to the Tweeting Times in my new CSIvy Celebrity Stain Investigation puzzle. Can you work out which celebrity I’m cleaning up from the cunning clues. . . . ?
Thursday 9 September 2010
Ivy's Celebrity Cleaning Manual
Monday 16 August 2010
COMING SOON! From Banbury Buns to Celebrity Cup Cakes! My life as a Domestic Goddess and General Dogsbody
Ask your Newsagent to reserve your copy NOW!
Sunday 18 July 2010
Knobbing Thy Neighbour in a Loveless Society.
We live in an unneighbourly society dear parishioners.
I'm sure we can all remember a time when you could hang out in your garden all Sunday afternoon, chatting to your neighbours, exchanging Jeyes Fluid, passing on lubrication tips for a stiff knob and slipping each other a home grown parsnip through a hole in the fence.
It only seems like yesterday when I could sunbathe nude in my garden and no-one would complain. Sometimes my neighbour would throw his balls over my fence but I never made a fuss, just headed them back over - or invited him round for a spot of mutual fertilisation on the flower beds. He was a lovely chap - always ready to let me borrow his extendable hose. Oh the happy hours we spent sprinkling each other on the lawn on really hot days.
Of course he's been gone for years now. He moved to Brighton to open a Horlicks Lounge and Show Bar. I've never been there but I hear he's got the best froth on the South Coast.
These days it's rare to even get a neighbour to raise their homburg at you.
I watch with sadness, day by day, as our loving society crumbles. There was a time when a neighbour was always ready to bend over backwards to give you a hand, but now you're lucky if he'll give you the finger. What sad times we live in, when neighbourly harmony and consideration smoulder on the garden incinerator - with the grass cuttings, diseased tomatoes and 'Boys' Life' magazines.
So today, I'm asking my parishioners to help me turn things around this summer. I'm asking you to extend an olive branch to your neighbour and turn the other cheek. Go on! Turn to the gentleman next to you now, give him a good firm handshake, say "How do you do and when can we do it?" then invite him home for a nice game of naked Twister, a cream tea and a splash in your paddling pool.
Amen.
NEXT WEEK: the Bishop takes a 21st century look at the Ten Commandments and asks the question - What does the bible say about coveting thy neighbour's hot tub?