Friday, 17 September 2010

Hello Petals! Did I ever tell you about my years as a forensic cleaner for the Metropolitan Police?

It was tough work, but very satisfying. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve scoured crime scenes for clues. Of course it’s very important to wear rubber gloves when you do a job like that. If you didn’t your hands would get in a terrible state fingering all the clumps of hair, blood, lipstick, vomit, used condoms and half-eaten kebabs. Filthy work - but all good experience for a celebrity cleaner, petals!

People don’t realise that it can take hours to scrub a crime scene. All those fingerprints! And the police didn’t help much. If I didn’t get in there first they’d cover them with white powder, which made the job take twice as long! They enjoyed winding me up, the little terrors, but I think they knew I was up for a laugh. Many’s the time I’d be mopping up blood or polishing the blade of a carving knife in the incident room and overhear them telling the Chief Inspector “We've got to wind things up. That Ivy Manilow's a complete joke”.

Oh the stories I could tell you, I’ll never forget the Shergar investigation in the ‘80s. It took me three days to get rid of those hoof prints in the Aintree Travelodge. Then there was that folder marked ‘CONFIDENTIAL: Evidence of Jack the Ripper's Identity 1891’ file I found behind the toilet cistern in the ladies. I ended up with five bin bags full after I’d shredded it all!

The worst part of the job had to be the graffiti. It could take weeks to remove, even with our bottles of Joan Collins’ facial peel acid and my high powered nozzle. 1974 was a terrible year for graffiti. No sooner had I managed to scrub one ‘Lord Lucan Woz Ere’ off a wall on the underground, another one would turn up on a bus shelter, or the toilets at Kings Cross Station, or the Playboy Club, oh and the check-in desk at Heathrow Airport. Strangely enough we didn’t find any more after that.

Sadly no crimes were actually solved while I was with the Metropolitan Police, Forensic Cleaning Department. Well they were a lazy shower to be honest. But I still hold the Guinness World Record for cleaning up the most crimes in the entire history of modern policing. My career ended when they brought a new broom into the department and had a clean sweep. But to this day, I still use the skills I gained at the frontline to continue my fight against grime in the seedy world of celebrities, political and sporting icons - and John McCririck.

Now I'm bringing my razor sharp celebrity filth detection skills exclusively to the Tweeting Times in my new CSIvy Celebrity Stain Investigation puzzle. Can you work out which celebrity I’m cleaning up from the cunning clues. . . . ?


EXCLUSIVE! Ivy Manilow reports from @MrsStephenFry's back passage

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Ivy's Celebrity Cleaning Manual

An A to Z-List

People are always asking me for cleaning tips and I say "I'd love to give you one petal, but Big Kim Woodburn will be on my doorstep with the sharp end of her Vileda mop quicker than you can say "If Ann Robinson keeps winking like that she'll go blind"

But if you want to know about celebrity cleaning, petals, that's another matter. That's my bag . . . or should I say bucket! It takes a particular brand of skill, patience, lunacy and a very strong stomach to clean for the stars of stage, screen, radio and shopping channel. They may seem very la di dah on the surface, but you can be sure that behind every dazzling diva there's a middle-aged scrubber with red hands, a bad back, a knowledge of first aid and breaking into houses and a wide range of under the counter viagra in her rucksack.

Now, due to unprecedented demand, for the first time I will be sharing my celebrity cleaning tips and secrets, with anatomically correct diagrams and candid photographs of the homes of the rich and famous.

Watch this space for A for Armchair, Ann Widdecombe and A.R.S.O.L.E. (Ascot Royal Society of Offhand Lavatory Engineers) Coming soon! love Ivy x

Artwork by @RedDandy

Artwork by @RedDandy

I should be so lucky!

I should be so lucky!
Kylie is a naughty girl saying I've taught her all she knows about being a style icon. Though to be fair, borrowing my gold hotpants for her Spinning Around video did seem to do her a bit of good!

I've always used Cutting Edge Technology

I've always used Cutting Edge Technology
By @RedDandy