Saturday, 15 January 2011

A friend is for Christmas - but Buttox is for life!

Mrs Wembley fondled my Buttox on Boxing Day!

Monday, 13 December 2010

I am, what I am, petals!

I would like to apologize to those of you, who have known me of old and are shocked and disappointed to find that I'm not really the person in this photograph. I'd like to - but I won't, petals! Because that would just be patronising, wouldn't it? After all, surely everyone knew that it wasn't really me? As if someone as famous, glamorous and well travelled would have to stoop so low as to stick her whole arm up Ronnie Corbett's U-bend! No, I can't deny the obvious fact that I have been dishonestly using a photo of Judith Chalmers on my profile for six months.

It was my own silly fault for taking notice of my celebrity clients' advice. To be fair, I should know better - most of them are pissed as farts by the time Pointless is on of an afternoon!

It all started when I joined Twitter to find a man. Joan Collins said I'd NEVER get a sniff with a boat race like mine. She wanted to give me one of her 'Quicklime' makeovers, but as she'd only done one before - on Dr Gillian McKeith - I decided to plump for the safer option. It was the old, old story, I'm afraid. Ugly woman posts a photo of someone far, far more glamorous to attract a man. It works a treat! And before long they're buzzing around her like flies on half an Angus Whopper in a wheely bin. Then all of a sudden, before you can say Bob Hoskins is small but perfectly formed, she's living a lie.

But you know, petals, at some time we all have to pull our fingers out and come clean. I was saying that very thing to Russell Brand the other day when I was scrubbing his bedroom wall with my scourer. As it happens, I scrubbed so hard, the pattern came off the wallpaper and we had to cover the wet patch with a photo of June Whitfield shaking hands with the Prince of Wales. Luckily little Katy Perry didn't notice and she still doesn't know that her husband's a . . . but that's another story.

I knew full well that nobody would ever really believe that a woman as gorgeous as Judith Chalmers would be a spinster. Just look at her - HOT TO TROT! That hair, those eyes, the determined chin and the way she clung tightly to her handbag, so nobody could grab it and find the stolen pension books inside. I knew that one day, I'd have to come out, but I was just too afraid that everyone would be disappointed. In the end the matter was taken out of my hands when @MrsStephenFry and her friends Mrs Norton, Mrs Winton and Mrs Biggins, performed an intervention on me at the Cuppa Cabana. It was terrifying at first - especially when a ghost claiming to be my Uncle Willy appeared and told me the Sellotape had fallen down the back of the washing machine (I'd been searching for it for weeks!) - but apart from the odd slap across my face, it was quite enjoyable and I agreed to reveal my true self to you all.

Yes I admit it! I can't deny myself any more. I'M A WOMAN! A celebrity cleaner. An orphan, cruelly abandoned because I had a nose like Queen Victoria and rejected every single day of my life since then. I can't help it if you've all imagined me as a man, can I? To be honest, you wouldn't be the first. We had a High Court barrister at Cynthia Payne's Luncheon Club who liked to imagine I was a man too. Sadly, we had to cut off his membership after Environmental Health found out that 'Waste Not Want Not' Cynthia was cutting up the cucumber afterwards and putting it in the sandwiches.

Well, that's about all I want to say, petals. I do hope you'll understand. I'm still me, @IvyManilow Cleaner to the Stars, with all my parts intact - and as the Queen Mother used to say when I moaned about cleaning her commode after her weekly All Bran - "Just put your rubber gloves on - and if you don't like it, you can lump it, petal!"

Love Ivy Manilow (Miss) x x x

Friday, 29 October 2010

My New Book Makes Mrs Fry's Diary Seem Like Something by Janice Austen!

Stuck in an unhappy marriage, Lady Millicent McCartney reluctantly agrees to join her husband, The Earl of Arndale, on an expedition to the Rainforest. Their quest is to track down Monkeynuts, the legendary apeman, who holds the secret to the whereabouts of a miracle tree bark syrup that can cure baldness.

After tramping through the savage jungle for days - hot, weary and with her husband getting right on her tits - Millicent perches on a tree stump for a rest. As she watches the rest of her party disappear into the trees, she wafts her tiny dainty fan in the thick dark bush. Suddenly, to her horror, she realises that she is being prodded in her lower back by an enormous, insistant Cobra! She screams for help - but by now her knobhead of a husband is bobbing miles away in a makeshift kayak on the Amazon. She looks around for a large rock to hit the Cobra over the head, but can't move - she's glued to the spot! Oh, if only she'd seen that 'Wet Aruldite' sign hanging on the tree stump.

As she sits bolt upright, paralyzed with fear, she feels the many hairy legs of a lethal tarantula caressing her neck. Sobbing with terror, she turns slowly, only to find it isn't a tarantula tickling her neck seductively at all - but a jumbo moustache. Can it be? No surely not! But imagine if it is! She leans nearer for a closer look - Oh my goodness yes it is!! - Monkeynuts, the magical apeman! Thank God she hadn't hit the cobra over the head with a rock after all!

I Know What You Did Last Week, Victoria Beckham!

My Half-term with the Beckhams
I had a lovely time at Center Parcs Lake Crystal with the Beckhams for the half term holidays petals. They wanted someone to look after the boys while they had a romantic break. They thought about staying at the 5 star Burg Al Arab in Dubai but David wanted somewhere he could dribble freely without causing slippages and being sued for medical expenses by 'Paparazzi Lawyers 4 U'. Victoria didn't care where they went as long as there was cheesy chips and Snickers on tap.

Apparently, Louis Walsh was their first choice - they'd hoped that he could keep Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz occupied and form a boy band to boost the household budget at the same time. I don't know, you'd think they had enough money wouldn't you? That Victoria is so competitive! While we were there, they began filming a new Osbornes-style reality show about their comical adventures trying to maintain a celebrity lifestyle now David's football career has ended - 'Keeping Up with the Rooneys'.

Mind you, people told me I'd regret it - apparently Center Parcs Lake Crystal has a bit of a dodgy reputation when it comes to looking after children. What usually happens is the babysitter cops off with a bloke, has steamy, rampant sex all holiday, forgets to keep an eye on the kids, someone drowns and the babysitter either gets an axe in her head or ends up hanging upside down from the washing line with what she had for breakfast on display for all to see! That did make me consider my position I must admit. But after 5 minutes I reckoned it was worth the gamble if there was the possibility of a sporty type taking me up the back of the bowling alley - COUNT ME IN PETALS!

Friday, 22 October 2010

Three Cheers for Tweeting Times!

I was so excited when I heard about Tweeting Times being a finalist in the Digital Magazine Awards, petals, that I sprinkled salt on Bruce Forsyth's dining room carpet and Shake 'n Vac on his porridge! Congratulations to @TweetingTimes @TweetingTimesEd and @AlisonBowie

Monday, 11 October 2010

Ivy's Tip O' The Morning!

Are you sick and tired of those brainless, hairy, long legged idiots who seem to crawl out from behind your television every Autumn? Well here's a handy hint - Turn off 'America's Next Top Model' and watch 'Midsomer Murders' instead!

If, on the other hand, you're terrified of spiders - then pop out and collect as many conkers as you can fit into your kagool pockets and place one in every corner of your room. Spiders HATE the things and will do a a sharp u-turn and crawl into your neighbour's house instead!

RESULT!!! You're spider-free all winter PLUS you get revenge for those knickers that smell of burnt sausages because they had a barbecue while your washing was on the line. That's a good feeling petals! Of course, you will be bombarded with marauding school children with plastic carrier bags - but these are easily dealt with using a quick spritz of mace.

* Arachnophobia = Fear of spiders. Not to be confused with Baracknophobia = fear of not being afraid of the US President.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Good Lord! Mrs Fry's Diary is FILTHY - just as well I read it in Delia Smith's bath - but don't tell her petals!

Don't forget to post a photo of yourself reading Mrs Fry's Diary petals! Add the #MrsFrysDiary hashtag to get into her album . . . as it were!

@MrsStephenFry's Diary Twitter launch party is on 15th October! Put it in YOUR diary now petals! I hope it's a bit cleaner than hers - I was so shocked I nearly cleaned my back passage with Cinzano and drank the Buttox!

Artwork by @RedDandy

Artwork by @RedDandy

I should be so lucky!

I should be so lucky!
Kylie is a naughty girl saying I've taught her all she knows about being a style icon. Though to be fair, borrowing my gold hotpants for her Spinning Around video did seem to do her a bit of good!

I've always used Cutting Edge Technology

I've always used Cutting Edge Technology
By @RedDandy