Wednesday 9 June 2010

Tonight's the night if I position my nozzle right! : "Not a lot of people know this"

Well it's finally here Petals! The last ever Big Brother and I for one won't be sorry to see the back of it. Since it started I've drained 3000 litres of first night vomit; unblocked the toilet 65 times; poked 9 unsinkable floaters with a pointed stick; scraped 5 tons of homemade bread and porridge from the roof and dragged 375.5 used condoms from the swimming pool (the .5 was Makosi's which had the tip snipped off in 2005)

Still there have been compensations. Over the years when the Housemates have misbehaved and the kitchen cupboards have been emptied, I have 'accidentally' found the following items in my van: 25 litres of cider, 95 packets of fishfingers, John McCririck's diet coke; 45 kilos of an unknown brand of chocolate, 28 bottles of peroxide and one chicken oxo cube (Shilpa Shetty hid it in her jewellery box)

Oh the stories I could tell you! If only they didn't make me sign a confidentiality agreement. Oh well . . . maybe just a little one . . . there was the day when dizzy Helen Adams was accidentally paused by a member of the production team in BB2 and nobody noticed for three days. Or what about the time Bubble took off his hat and we found out he had a tattoo of Bobby Moore on his scalp! I still have nightmares about the time Pete Burn's face ran around the house without him during the night, and what about that tear jerking wedding when Michelle Bass's dulcet tones filled the heavens with the beautiful "Way ay hey youz". But for me, the most memorable moment had to be that saucy Leo Sayer!. . . . you all saw him giving the camera the thumb and finger and demanding clean undercrackers, but what you didn't see was him streaking around the studio butt naked with his hair straighteners sticking from his buttocks, and a finger on each nipple singing "You make me feel like Swearing". Oh if I was only 2 years younger.

Lets hope that in this final year there will be plenty of fun and frolics, suspicion, accusations, body painting, violence and politically inappropriate greetings. But please, please, please Big Brother petals, no more flushing carcasses down the lavvy and causing a blockage - if you really must kill a housemate, please roll them up in a rug and leave them by the back door for me to collect. Think of your Auntie Ivy!

JOIN ME FOR A BIG BROTHER GOSSIP AT MY LOVELY LITTLE TWITTER CAFE - just add #auntieivy to your tweets! See you there Petals!

1 comment:

  1. You poor dear - I really don't think that finding Mr McCririck's diet coke has been adequate compensation for the turmoil that cleaning the BB house has been able to offer you.

    However, I am dying to know the Davina stories as I am sure that there are secrets there that you could perhaps divulge - only to me you understand and I promise I won't tell a soul, shhhhhhh.

    I would also like to apologise for laughing out loud whilst reading this post as my mother did bring me up not to laugh at unfortunate events but in this case my proper upbring deserted me. To recompense, I will now follow you on Twitter but you may happily ignore any tweets from @lesleyalmost.....

    ReplyDelete

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