My New Book Makes Mrs Fry's Diary Seem Like Something by Janice Austen!

Stuck in an unhappy marriage, Lady Millicent McCartney reluctantly agrees to join her husband, The Earl of Arndale, on an expedition to the Rainforest. Their quest is to track down Monkeynuts, the legendary apeman, who holds the secret to the whereabouts of a miracle tree bark syrup that can cure baldness.

After tramping through the savage jungle for days - hot, weary and with her husband getting right on her tits - Millicent perches on a tree stump for a rest. As she watches the rest of her party disappear into the trees, she wafts her tiny dainty fan in the thick dark bush. Suddenly, to her horror, she realises that she is being prodded in her lower back by an enormous, insistant Cobra! She screams for help - but by now her knobhead of a husband is bobbing miles away in a makeshift kayak on the Amazon. She looks around for a large rock to hit the Cobra over the head, but can't move - she's glued to the spot! Oh, if only she'd seen that 'Wet Aruldite' sign hanging on the tree stump.

As she sits bolt upright, paralyzed with fear, she feels the many hairy legs of a lethal tarantula caressing her neck. Sobbing with terror, she turns slowly, only to find it isn't a tarantula tickling her neck seductively at all - but a jumbo moustache. Can it be? No surely not! But imagine if it is! She leans nearer for a closer look - Oh my goodness yes it is!! - Monkeynuts, the magical apeman! Thank God she hadn't hit the cobra over the head with a rock after all!

I Know What You Did Last Week, Victoria Beckham!

My Half-term with the Beckhams

I had a lovely time at Center Parcs Lake Crystal with the Beckhams for the half term holidays petals. They wanted someone to look after the boys while they had a romantic break. They thought about staying at the 5 star Burg Al Arab in Dubai but David wanted somewhere he could dribble freely without causing slippages and being sued for medical expenses by 'Paparazzi Lawyers 4 U'. Victoria didn't care where they went as long as there was cheesy chips and Snickers on tap.

Apparently, Louis Walsh was their first choice - they'd hoped that he could keep Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz occupied and form a boy band to boost the household budget at the same time. I don't know, you'd think they had enough money wouldn't you? That Victoria is so competitive! While we were there, they began filming a new Osbornes-style reality show about their comical adventures trying to maintain a celebrity lifestyle now David's football career has ended - 'Keeping Up with the Rooneys'.

Mind you, people told me I'd regret it - apparently Center Parcs Lake Crystal has a bit of a dodgy reputation when it comes to looking after children. What usually happens is the babysitter cops off with a bloke, has steamy, rampant sex all holiday, forgets to keep an eye on the kids, someone drowns and the babysitter either gets an axe in her head or ends up hanging upside down from the washing line with what she had for breakfast on display for all to see! That did make me consider my position I must admit. But after 5 minutes I reckoned it was worth the gamble if there was the possibility of a sporty type taking me up the back of the bowling alley - COUNT ME IN PETALS!

Three Cheers for Tweeting Times!

I was so excited when I heard about Tweeting Times being a finalist in the Digital Magazine Awards, petals, that I sprinkled salt on Bruce Forsyth's dining room carpet and Shake 'n Vac on his porridge! Congratulations to @TweetingTimes @TweetingTimesEd and @AlisonBowie

Ivy's Tip O' The Morning!

Are you sick and tired of those brainless, hairy, long legged idiots who seem to crawl out from behind your television every Autumn? Well here's a handy hint - Turn off 'America's Next Top Model' and watch 'Midsomer Murders' instead!

If, on the other hand, you're terrified of spiders - then pop out and collect as many conkers as you can fit into your kagool pockets and place one in every corner of your room. Spiders HATE the things and will do a a sharp u-turn and crawl into your neighbour's house instead!

RESULT!!! You're spider-free all winter PLUS you get revenge for those knickers that smell of burnt sausages because they had a barbecue while your washing was on the line. That's a good feeling petals! Of course, you will be bombarded with marauding school children with plastic carrier bags - but these are easily dealt with using a quick spritz of mace.

* Arachnophobia = Fear of spiders. Not to be confused with Baracknophobia = fear of not being afraid of the US President.

Good Lord! Mrs Fry's Diary is FILTHY - just as well I read it in Delia Smith's bath - but don't tell her petals!

Don't forget to post a photo of yourself reading Mrs Fry's Diary petals! Add the #MrsFrysDiary hashtag to get into her album . . . as it were!

@MrsStephenFry's Diary Twitter launch party is on 15th October! Put it in YOUR diary now petals! I hope it's a bit cleaner than hers - I was so shocked I nearly cleaned my back passage with Cinzano and drank the Buttox!

Hello Petals! Did I ever tell you about my years as a forensic cleaner for the Metropolitan Police?

It was tough work, but very satisfying. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve scoured crime scenes for clues. Of course it’s very important to wear rubber gloves when you do a job like that. If you didn’t your hands would get in a terrible state fingering all the clumps of hair, blood, lipstick, vomit, used condoms and half-eaten kebabs. Filthy work - but all good experience for a celebrity cleaner, petals!

People don’t realise that it can take hours to scrub a crime scene. All those fingerprints! And the police didn’t help much. If I didn’t get in there first they’d cover them with white powder, which made the job take twice as long! They enjoyed winding me up, the little terrors, but I think they knew I was up for a laugh. Many’s the time I’d be mopping up blood or polishing the blade of a carving knife in the incident room and overhear them telling the Chief Inspector “We've got to wind things up. That Ivy Manilow's a complete joke”.

Oh the stories I could tell you, I’ll never forget the Shergar investigation in the ‘80s. It took me three days to get rid of those hoof prints in the Aintree Travelodge. Then there was that folder marked ‘CONFIDENTIAL: Evidence of Jack the Ripper's Identity 1891’ file I found behind the toilet cistern in the ladies. I ended up with five bin bags full after I’d shredded it all!

The worst part of the job had to be the graffiti. It could take weeks to remove, even with our bottles of Joan Collins’ facial peel acid and my high powered nozzle. 1974 was a terrible year for graffiti. No sooner had I managed to scrub one ‘Lord Lucan Woz Ere’ off a wall on the underground, another one would turn up on a bus shelter, or the toilets at Kings Cross Station, or the Playboy Club, oh and the check-in desk at Heathrow Airport. Strangely enough we didn’t find any more after that.

Sadly no crimes were actually solved while I was with the Metropolitan Police, Forensic Cleaning Department. Well they were a lazy shower to be honest. But I still hold the Guinness World Record for cleaning up the most crimes in the entire history of modern policing. My career ended when they brought a new broom into the department and had a clean sweep. But to this day, I still use the skills I gained at the frontline to continue my fight against grime in the seedy world of celebrities, political and sporting icons - and John McCririck.

Now I'm bringing my razor sharp celebrity filth detection skills exclusively to the Tweeting Times in my new CSIvy Celebrity Stain Investigation puzzle. Can you work out which celebrity I’m cleaning up from the cunning clues. . . . ?

MY VERY FIRST INTERVIEW PETALS!

http://europe.nxtbook.com/nxteu/expertsonlinetv/tweetingtimes5/index.php#/24